Their Undisputed President

In case you've been smoking shrooms and hallucinating purple monkeys for the last three years on a hilltop in Cambodia, or just coming out of a clinical coma, you no doubt are wondering what the heck these impeachment festivities are all about. Who is the guy with the bulging pupils and the woman with the unfortunate Botox experiments? And why are they constantly on the tube?

Let's get you all caught up on Yankee politics...

In 2016, a NYC billionaire by the name of Trump legitimately outwitted and outplayed a woman whose husband ran a bordello out of the Oval Office...all the way to the American presidency.

Not to be outdone by her "I-didn't-have-sex-with-that-woman-but-only-these-nineteen" husband, the woman took a hammer to her electronic devices and deleted 33,000 emails she kept on her kitchen-table laptop. (She apparently had some stuff to hide but we haven't found it yet.)

Some people tried to expose what the Baba Yaga tried to hide, but ended up in a body bag. A mere forty eight of them. Siri still doesn't know where she stashed the bodies, but you can try and ask.

The corrupt grandma just couldn't get over her throne loss to the man whose wedding ceremony she attended in a front row seat. After all, she endured no sex, no drugs, no rock n' roll for 44 years in a marriage to the philandering Willy - just so she could be POTUS one day. So she got really, really, REALLY mad.

So mad, that the day after the new President was sworn in, her party immediately declared they would impeach the duly elected new Commander in Chief. The Media happily colluded and hired an army of anchors and pundits to degrade, mock, and demonize the new President with lies, smears and innuendo. Yes, Wolf Blitzer is still alive. But the main attacks usually come from some one named Mad Cow. (Not the one who lost the election, just to be clear.)

Their first order of business was to dig up a stormy stripper, who someone named Lemon vowed would destroy Mr. Trump in a hurry. Overnight, Stormy's lawyer became DNC party's Presidential hopeful for 2020 against Trump. Lemon had Stormy on CNN all day, all night. She didn't do so well. Today, Stormy is storming poles of back alley strip clubs and her lawyer is sitting in jail for rearranging a woman's face and defrauding his clients of millions. Trump is still President.

Then came the big tax bombshell. Mad Cow promised to expose the Trump tax evasion scheme to all good Americans. But ol' tax boogie man found nothing and left Mad Cow with a lot of embarrassing flatulence, which didn't bode well with the environmental folks who told us we have only 12 years to live. Mad Cow got really scared because a bartender named AOC (not from Star Trek) said we have to kill all cows, mad or otherwise, in order to save the planet.

This colloquial AOC, the communist bartender with permanently tattooed red lipstick, (I fear she's a Russian agent) is always really really REALLY mad. So mad she called on the reinforcements for the removal of the President. Her Squad was formed and now consists of female warriors from Hamas, Islamic Jihad and Muslim Brotherhood. One even married her brother and still managed to have an affair with a married infidel. Talent and fortitude cultivated by Sharia Law, as we found out.

This last woman hates Trump big time and even thinks that some people did something...you know, during 9/11. She also thinks it's all about the Benjamins and that Israel hypnotized the world.

Sharia law followers like her are now elected Congress representatives, praise Allah! She didn't like it so much when Trump took out her buddy, religious cleric Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. But Trump is still her President, and with 334,606,189,452 tweets under his belt.

Oh, you should know that we now have 72 official genders, an "X" gender on a Canadian Passport, men with lipsticks peeing in ladies' washrooms and some even demanding Brazilian wax jobs...down there. (Ouch!)

So! Next on the DNC destroy-Trump agenda was Lemon, Mad Cow, Bulging-pupils Schiff and Botox Nancy concocting a bullet-proof plan: the 45th, they swore, was a Russian Spy! A secret import from Vlad's top KGB ranks, with the real name Trumpov and an undercover code name "MAGA". The Russian plant didn't even try to hide his real loyalties to the bare chested man on a white stallion; he had half the country wearing a red hat! Still does! (Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Holy Ghost - deliver us from this Russian bondage!)

Incidentally, not too long ago, a mentally ill alien named Greta descended from the Exorcist Galaxy and accused us all of stealing her childhood. How dare she?

But back to the Russian salad dressing. I mean, the Russian Roulette with herring and vodka! Just kidding...Russian Samovar. Nope, nope, nope... the real title is...Russian Collusion, which quickly reduced into Russian Delusion.

Confused? I'll explain.

The usual suspects, having run out of all plausible means to undo a democratic election, appoint Robert Swan Mueller the XIII, to dig up fabricated dirt on Trump to make him out to be Vlad's inside man. All the while this is going on for two years with 35 Million bucks of taxpayers funding, FOX reporters together with John Solomon of "The Hill" discover that Trump was spied on by none other than Barak Obama and the Grandma Clinton campaign! Not only that, but that the evil witch of the west, herself, colluded with the Russians to manufacture the Steele Dossier which then produced the illegal FBI FISA warrants needed to spy on Trump!

Confused again? Don't be, it's all very simple: Mafia Mob Boss, Grandma Clinton, paid the Russians through a British spy to fabricate lies about Trump and got caught. She was pissed about her ejection from election and enlisted her party of lunatics and media accomplices to accuse Trump of exactly the very thing she did!

In the end, Rob the Swan Mueller Number 23 is now sailing off the coast of the Maldives with about $15 Million in his Swiss vault. The Russian Delusion was rendered a hoax, the Dossier a forgery, and, you guessed it, Trump is still everyone's President.

In the mean time, a known sex offender took Grandma Clinton's hubby on 27 trips to his sex island where Willy had a lot of fun. Prince Andrew of the British Crown can vouch for the good time had by all; he's got a couple of rape charges over his head now and the FBI wants to speak with this British spare part urgently. His mama-the-queen even fired the poor lad today!

Epstein, the child sex predator Andy and Willy did nothing with, ends up in solitary jail cell with two guards and two cameras monitoring his every move day and night. But Granny Clinton had other plans for the big mouth Epstein who was going to spill the beans on her Willy and his Royal Highness. "Boom!", Epstein expires, just like that! And no one but Epstein's peculiar neck strangulation marks are talking...

By now you're thinking, how the hell is this Clinton woman still walking and talking and not rotting in a jail cell somewhere? That's the $64 Million question.

But I digress.

By the way, you should know that Trump is a racist, a misogynist, an antisemite, a homophobe and a xenophobe. He is so evil that he created an absolutely stellar economy where women, Latinos and African Americans are enjoying the lowest levels of unemployment in five decades, taxes are lowered for everyone, the DOW is soaring, billions have been injected into the economy, more goods are being manufactured on American soil, hundreds of business-crippling statutes have been deregulated, the first openly gay Ambassador to Europe is installed and is now leading Trump's initiative to fight LGBTQ discrimination planet-wide, Jerusalem is finally recognized as the Capital of Israel, NATO is finally kicking in their fare share, and America has finally become energy self-sufficient. Oh, and the economic imbalance with China has finally shifted. He did all this in less than 3 years, this Satan, curse on him!

...and he's still, very much, the American President.

This brings us to the upcoming 2020 elections of which the Democrats are scared shitless. Schiffless, actually.

You see, the Dems understand that their field of communists, polar bear environmentalists and half-awake old guys ain't gonna cut it. The only thing they'll win with this summer camp of non-starters is a blue ribbon and a lot of CNN tears. (again!)

Which brings us to the current impeachment sideshow and its tireless ring master, rosy cheeked Mr. Adam Schiff. The one who got caught talking to the real Russians about obtaining fake nudes of Trump during the 2016 election. Too bad the entire embarrassing telephone episode is so well audio-documented.

Since the Russian Collusion blockbuster didn't pan out so well at the American box office, what's DNC to do? Under the leadership of the ever-wise and fearless Botox Nancy, the party created a sequel to the movie, almost immediately. If the first fails miserably, the second should be good to go. If Russia didn't work out, Ukraine surely will. If Mueller let us down, surely Schiffy won't.

The sequel titled "Quid Pro Quo on Ukraine or Bust" by the same executive producers is even a bigger bust than the first. Was there ever any doubt? When have lies ever triumphed?

Incidentally, if you missed the entire production, imagine watching a week-long Human Resources meeting where everyone talks about their feelings and no caffeine is available.

The only investigation not taking place in this country is one of Hunter Biden and his Ukraine-threatening daddy. That's the dude that was kicked out of the Navy for cocaine possession, the one who shacked up with his dead brother's wife while fornicating with a much younger woman who yesterday presented him with a DNA-matched son. Oh, and the trust fund baby who made out with $1.3 Milllion from corrupt Burisma and $1.5 Billion from China! And all while daddy was VP of United States of America whose influence he was most certainly not peddling. But these are small little uninteresting details.

Even if this impeachment circus produces a Trump impeachment verdict in the House, it gets immediately overturned in the Senate. Another $8 Million of tax payers money gone.

What would they have achieved, you ask? Their path to winning the 2020 election. Or so they calculated. Their collective pea-sized-brain party believes they had enough influence in the court of public opinion by now. (Don't think they had a look at the latest polls which raised Trump's favorability.)

And yes, Trump is still their President.

Now, the prayerful, heartbroken Dems will have to live through the imminent Horowitz' 500 page IG report, which already has an FBI agent under criminal investigation for ...drum roll please...Granny Clinton's dirty Dossier's FISA warrants frauds! The first real bombshell of the last three years.

...and so whatever shrooms you smoked and whatever comatose slumber dreams you saw, it doesn't come close to the real life hallucinogenics you missed. But the shit show hasn't even hit the fan yet. We're no where near the plot's climax. Stay tuned for DOJ springtime indictments.

Meanwhile, President Trump continues to be most tough on corrupt Putin and most generous to corrupt Ukraine.

And he's still very much Nancy's, Schiffy's and bubby Clinton's undisputed President.

Valerie Sobel

November 22, 2019