THE IMPEACHMENT BOOMERANG (a bedtime story)

"The campaign to impeach President Trump has began" _Washington Post, January 20th, 2017. If you've been absent from the news, smoking good stuff on planet Namakakiweyho, or getting your regular kool-aid from CNN, today's morning news might've been a bit confusing.

The first faces you awoke to on this fine day were the Democrat Dream Team consisting of Pelosi, Schiff, Waters and Nadler at a press conference. If this vision alone didn't send you back under covers in search of a safe space, then, enviably, your tolerance for horror shows is a solid standard deviation away from the U-curve median.

What were Nancy, Maxi, Jerry and Shitty doing at the mic exactly, in front of the press?

Why, announcing two articles of impeachment against a duly elected President, of course. Just as they repeatedly told you they would the day Trump got elected. Oh, and, certainly as plan B only, in case the closed-and-shut Mueller Russia Hoax didn't guillotine Trump. But what were the chances... ?

Now, now...let's not jump the gun and call sour grapes on the DNC. Let's not stoop to accusing them of being just a bit resentful for losing the 2016 election. With constitution-protecting muscle machine led by the size-12.5-necktie Schiff and drinking grandma Pelosi, we have nothing to worry about; they tell it like it is, they promise and they deliver. And they are the infallible law-enforcing soldiers of the great American constitution who will get to the bottom of Trump's corruption and criminality, each and every time. ...minus the Mueller report.

But let's not judge them on this "tiny" fall from grace. After all, didn't Bobby turn out to be a Russian agent who attended kindergarten with Donny? No need to dwell on this unpleasant ancient history.

Fast forward to last September when to our shock and horror, we discover that POTUS committed high crimes & misdemeanors and betrayed the high office of the Presidency. The appalling nature of the crime was a super cordial phone conversation with Ukraine's new President in which the President invoked....wait for it....get a chair....take a deep breath...Quid Pro Quo! Or so Botox and Shitty informed us of, immediately, God bless those two patriots!

The treachery of it all! For the last three months all we heard was: quid pro quo, quid pro quo, quid pro quo. So acute was this Latin lesson of unfathomable criminality, that our very righteous catholic Nancy had to be continuously prayerful (and intoxicated), as she kept reminding us.

Miraculously, her prayers must've been answered when she prayed for a bribery charge. Sure enough, bribery immediately made a loud, fist-pounding appearance half way through Shitty's kangaroo court process. But not before "extortion" paraded up and down Schiff's lips for a few days. Now all we heard was...bribery, bribery, bribery. Did I mention bribery?

Wait! Where did quid pro quo go...?

Let's not dwell on this, either.

Catholic Nancy's dentures were apparently capable of spitting out a much better option for the impeachment strategy, the crime of all crimes, bribery! Who can possibly put up with bribery?

Jerry immediately reached for the extra helping of pizza with everything-on-top when Maxi whispered in his ear, "Nancy said "bribery" is a word that appears in the constitution as an impeachable offense. She's no fool, Jerry Bear!"

Shitty's Arafat eyes lit up: he quickly turned to Hollywood, the very district he represents in Congress (no joke), for an old SNL script he could read in his sham impeachment court. Lo and behold, a few days later, this Democratic closer read out-loud an entirely made up conversion that never happened to the congressional hearings. De facto, to the entire world...!

BBC cheered, MSNBC did cartwheels in the air, CNN drooled worse than Pavlov's dog, and New York Times had one explosive orgasm.

What a performance by Shitty! Surely, all is in the bag now. Nancy's prayerful "bribery" and Shitty's Shakespearean soliloquy amounted to 4th of July fireworks and an imminent victory worthy of the court of popular public opinion.

(...so why did the impeachment poll numbers tank? Uh, uh, uh! No negativity, please. Let's not dwell on inconvenient facts.)

Back to business.

Now bringing articles of impeachment on the irrefutable quid pro quo (which started it all) and the treacherous bribery by the President was a cinch. Case closed. Let the celebrations begin.

Curious turn of events this morning...why didn't we hear of bribery and quid pro quo in the articles of impeachment at today's press conference? Where did they go...?

And what happened to all the other beauties Shitty and company so fondly threw around: extortion, blackmail, treason and cover-up...? Hold your horses, Shitty! You put us through this three-ring circus on every news cable network daily for the last three months when I could've been watching Ridge on the "Bold and the Beautiful"? And for what? To give us the ambiguous, meaningless and broadly interpretive "abuse of power and obstruction of Congress"...?

Uno momento...! Didn't Mueller leave the building? Isn't he in witness protection now? Bob's generic leftovers aren't going to cut it this time, Shitty boy! We want Trump's head! We want what you promised us, now!

Unless...

Unless, the manufactured Russian Hoax (the first chapter) was the ensured "validation" for pathological Trump hate, and the currently running impeachment side show - an insurance policy against the failure of the first...! (Hint: re-read the date of the opening quote at the top.)

Unless, you, Fancy Nancy and Shitty Schiff, simply wanted to overturn an election...! And influence the upcoming one because Joe's the best you got...!

Seems like we heard it today direct from the horse's mouth (not speaking of AOC): at the same jaw-dropping conference this morning, Shitty addressed the criticism that Democrats are rushing this process. He said:

"Waiting to impeach would mean allowing Trump to cheat in an upcoming election."

...wait, W H A T..???

This was about an upcoming election...?!

By Shitty's own public admission...?!

Because the DNC has no way of beating the man who created a stellar economy, unheard of 50-year low unemployment rate, most effective foreign policy, tax breaks, and soaring indices...with their Spartacus, Pocahontas, Lenin and Dead Man Walking..?!

Or, could it be because the rats are abandoning ship?

The quickly plummeting public support for Shitty's Kangaroo court?

Is this the last jolt to the finish line in order to save face before more democratic Congress people, Independents and Americans en masse reject this Russian Hoax Part Deux "Ukraine or Bust"?

And if this was about "cheating the election, again"...then where is the article of impeachment on that...? And why isn't the damn, I mean, Dem, dream team investigating the 2016 electoral landslide as a cheating consequence?

And...why don't you show us, Shitty, where "abuse of power and obstruction of Congress" appears in the Constitutional wording as impeachable offenses! Funny, I, for one, can't find it. Neither can Dershowitz and Levin. Shitty, did you make this shit up...?

Could this all be about the DNC cover-up of their wide-spread involvement with corrupt Ukraine? Like a few million hryvnia stuffed in the pockets of Nancy's kid, Kerry's kid and Joe's blunder Hunter? Could it be that Trump was on everyone's trail and much too close to truth that would drain the Democratic swamp...?

And why didn't Shitty accept any questions from the press today? Is that because alchy Nancy's finger fell off from pointing at the reporter who asked her "Do you hate Trump"? Or is it because it was time for prayer again? Perhaps a denture change? Or maybe they couldn't answer any reasonable questions without Maxi yelling "Resist!" and Jerry channeling Greta "How dare you?!"

Or...perhaps, there are simply no good answers for tax-payers funded shams, orchestrated lies, and twice failed coup d'états...

Shitty and his democratic ilk with clinical hate of the President, pathological penis envy and inferiority complex...can't fathom four more years of an American success story. And he knows well that his days are numbered come 2020 when Trump trumps again.

Nancy played the best hand she had, even though she knows her little impeachment game won't have a prayer on the Senate floor. She dug her own grave with AOC's and Omar's shovels.

So...no treason, no bribery, no blackmail, no extortion, no evidence, no crime, no quid pro quo. But plenty of hate. And absolutely paralyzing fear of Joe's malarkey on his tour to invoke Hillary 3.0.

...But, abracadabra! The long-awaited approval of Trump's USMCA trade deal which sat on the House Democrats' desk for over a year, is announced by the same blithering liars not an hour later...to wash off the filth of their own impeachment.

If you still don't understand what happened here, not to worry. Get a copy of CliffsNotes' "Macbeth". And pay attention next November.

... double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Something wicked this way comes. ...

By Valerie Sobel

Dec. 10, 2019