PAPER STRAW JOY

I'm so thrilled I'm doing something for the environment as I sip from my disintegrated paper straw just as woke liberals would have me do. I am undoubtedly saving the ocean as I pick limp pieces of paper out my teeth with my plastic toothpick to the joy of those around me.

Plus I simply enjoy killing trees...

And that plastic cup they served me that's 100 times the plastic weight of a plastic straw and comes from a fossil-fuelled factory...it doesn't count. Because if you look carefully, it comes with the reassuring "greenware" label! In other words, I'm saving penguins, polar bears and the young African children mining for diamonds. Not to mention reducing the pollution from China and India in half.

In a few hours, I'll pick up a meal-to-go from the local grocery store in a plastic container and a bottle of water or two, which the cashier will collect into a plastic bag for me. I will come home and unwrap my toilet paper, my paper towels, my bagels, my juice boxes, my candy, my cheese, my crackers, my hygiene products, my soap, my processed meats and my chips from plastic right after I line my garbage can with a large plastic bag. But I'll march for climate change with my local liberal cabal this weekend, after which trucks running on fuel will clean up my plastic pop bottles after me and my woke buddies.

Incidentally, I've given up showering, washing my hair and shaving my legs - shampoos, conditioners, shower jells, razors, lotions and potions...have no room in my environmentally aware life.

The makers of 5 billion condoms per year should be executed in public squares. Users of condoms should be made to pay a progressive condom tax. (Much like Trudeau's carbon tax on Canadians.) Condom footprint is real: resist, reduce and more importantly...re-use!

Next time you ask yourselves why these liberals don't get simple math, the perils of socialism, secure borders, the dangerous of Islam in American Congress, Trump's unprecedented achievements, their own hypocrisy and contradiction, Obama's instigation of abuse of cops, biological male muscle mass in every transgender participation in female sport, CNN brainwash or that their psychotic unsustainable beliefs will hand Trump a landslide in November ...ponder this paper straw in a plastic cup. Or think of a condom. Or a condiment. You pick.

And please stop explaining the Middle East conflict to them - do you really want them to hurt themselves...?

Never apply rational thought to irrational people or their ideas. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole. If you try, you might have a non-biodegradable L on your forehead...

Pssst...

Fiction: Many believe that paper bags are more environmentally friendly than plastic bags because they are made from a renewable resource, can biodegrade, and are recyclable. Fact: Plastic shopping bags outperform paper bags environmentally - on manufacturing, on reuse, and on solid waste volume and generation.

Valerie Sobel

February 15, 2020