Jewish Liberal Guide to Picking a President in 2020
The following is an instructional guide for liberal American Jewry on how to pick the perfect President in 2020:
1. Select from a field of Democratic candidates only. This ensures your toothless grandma's ideas that the world will shape your children's future and provide you with a sense of compassion for all ethnic & minority causes. Your shtetl-raised aunt Esther and her Mahjong ladies will be proud you're still voting for their beloved Kennedys.
2. Appearances are everything. Check that the candidate appears presidential. Specifically, he/she should look good and be duly approved by the groupthink masses. Being aided & abetted and financially supported by the mainstream media is paramount. He/she should sound polished and scripted, be politically correct, and above all - make consistent use of the tele-prompter.
3. He/she should only come from elitists circles of establishment, be a career politician, a lawyer, a socialist, or at least an individual who has never worked in a private sector in their entire life. If they've never created wealth, produced economic benefit or employed anyone - give them extra points.
4. If he/she writes or says anything courageous, rational or truthful, or God-forbid anything the people of the country are actually thinking - dump the bastard without a second thought. Moreover, if he/she says anything off the cuff or without mincing words to demonstrate his/her authenticity, reject this as micro-aggression. Remember, tweeting anything at 3 AM is a major offence. Tweeting anything you disagree with is an outright assault on you.
5. Rally around a woman. A woman with dark skin or a head scarf, or at minimum a 1/1024th ethnic DNA composition. As a last resort - select a man. A gay or a black man is permitted. A black gay man would be preferable and is as conscionable as selecting a woman. This will demonstrate your progressiveness and commitment to identity politics instead of outdated old-fashioned criterion based on ideas, substance, track record and character. This also demonstrates your solidarity with oppressed minorities and reaffirms to them that you are one of them. They will undoubtedly throw you a bone or two once they're elected onto their democratic socialist pulpit.
6. Remember: the more socialist the agenda, the better the candidate. You can easily verify all the historical achievements of socialist governments in the past (especially with respect to Jewry) and choose the Democratic candidate best aligned with those tried & tested ideals. The 2020 Democratic field has many to choose from.
7. If the candidate is at all critical of anyone blowing up nightclubs, wielding knives or driving white vans into Christmas markets, know that they are Democrat impostors. As Democrats, we are inclusive of all and celebrate every human skill and talent.
8. Ensure your selected candidate has never achieved anything, nor has succeeded or failed. And certainly has never made an entrepreneurial fortune. Because we all know entrepreneurs employing a large workforce are nothing more than evil capitalist exploiters. And also, because none of us are business people, nor have any aspiration for financial well-being. We're much nobler than that.
9. Further narrow down your field of candidates by selecting anti-Semites only. This will sufficiently assure the gentiles that you're non-judgmental, barely Jewish and want nothing more than to blend in with the crowd. When they fire up the gas chambers, you'll undoubtedly be spared. It worked like that 75 years ago and it will again.
10. An ideal candidate for Presidency will paint America as a racist country full of slave owners and their ilk.
11. Those who post their dental procedures online and express their explicit desire to award monetary reparations carte blanche to anyone with black skin from tax payer's kitty are woke, dignified and moral beyond reproach.
12. In case a candidate exalts Israel, recognizes her 3500-year-old Capital, marries his/her daughter to an Orthodox Jew, defunds her enemies and legitimizes her ancestral land - publicly denounce this individual as devil's spawn without delay. Calling him/her Hitler would be appropriate and would prevent others from being fooled by this savage. Consequently, the ruling Democratic party gentiles will reward you for your correct actions by making sure their shark eats you last.
13. If a candidate demonstrates his unparalleled record on economy: lowest unemployment in 60 years, lowest unemployment for women, blacks and Hispanics, successful renegotiation of trade with neighbouring Canada and Mexico, deregulation of industry for expansion of economy, or has brought in more billions in investment dollars than any other politician - run the other way! All these are a carefully crafted distraction from his/her xenophobia, homophobia and misogyny. Keep your focus on what really matters.
14. If the candidate speaks of a border wall and the need to decrease the number of illegals crossing the southern border to curtail the inflow of narcotics and MS13 criminals - report the racist to Speaker Pelosi immediately. We cannot tolerate any actions leading to the erosion of the democratic voter base. Do your part by following Adam Schiff and Senator Chuck Schumer's lead: break down your own front door and invite illegals to live in your home instead of stranding them in cages to drink toilet water.
15. Choose a candidate with rabid anti-Israel views and BDS agenda. Especially qualified are those who are convincing at saying that their hate of a Jewish nation is justified, legitimate and in no way, shape or form equates to antisemitism. Their clarity on the real Israel will manifest itself by repeated use of the words "occupying force", "illegal settlements", "aggressor", and "disproportionate retaliation". They're also likely to mourn dead Hamas leaders and give billions to Iran. Keep in mind, voting for this type of candidate will secure your image as fair and balanced in the eyes of society at large.
16. Place your allegiance behind the candidate advocating free-for-all abortions, gay education in elementary schools, health care benefits for illegals, voting rights for incarcerated murderers & rapists, and the banning of all methods of transportation to save the planet. Priorities and morals are important, don't get left behind in the dark ages with the republicans. Be aware: we only have 12 years left on this planet, make the most of your choices. Take example from the election of Canadian liberal PM Justin Trudeau who legalized anal sex for 16-year olds as his first order of business. Look how well he turned out.
17. Words speak louder than actions. If he/she says they're good for the country, they must be good for the country.
18. Be unequivocally visible at supporting any Democrat with hard-core antisemitic views, BDS agenda and regular Jew-hating tropes like "Israel hypnotized the world", "Jews have dual loyalty" and "It's all about the Benjamins, baby." This will demonstrate you have nothing against Sharia Law and those who call you "descendants of pigs and apes" in their holy book. Tolerance of those who hate you is part and parcel of the Democratic party's deal with the Jewish electorate, an electorate too tiny in numbers to make a dent but with plenty of cash. Do your part in supporting important intersectionality. Put your money where your mouth is, as you have in the past.
Furthermore, if you lobby to have these unfairly victimized Democrats visit Israel, the Democratic Party will reward you by taking more of your money to fund their campaign. When they do, your money will reaffirm to them (once again) that you're not a Jew but a loyal Democrat first. They'll probably invite you to a donor dinner if your last name isn't too Jewish and you don't sport a Magen David around your neck.
In summary, stay away from using any critical thinking skills, or worse, thinking for yourself. If this guide isn't convincing enough, defer to MSNBC and CNN. They will provide methodical and detailed 24/7 instruction on how to avoid making the wrong choice by accidentally turning on the light-bulb in your head. More importantly - they will stir you away from making the "Jewish" choice that will expose you as a colluder and traitor against this country.
Succinctly put, you must continue to know your place because 75 years ago they killed only 1/3 of you. That's more than enough guilt for you to schlep. A staunchly pro-Israel, unapologetically Jew-loving President would be too much to bear and cause your knees to buckle wholly. Worse yet, he might even out you as a Jew lock, stock, and barrel.
Stay true to your history and instincts, continue your 3500-year trek through third class citizenry. Habits are always best. After all, there is a certain comfort in knowing your fate when you identify with your abusers.
Bottom line: Allegiance to the Democratic Party will be rewarded in spades and your children will thank you for it.
Beneath this correctly loyal decision hibernates this and you know it: as soon as the political influencers of the DNC start questioning your loyalty, you'll hear the bells of the ghetto and the shattering of Kristallnacht glass. And that's exactly what your granny warned you about. You know what to do.
For your copy of the advanced, intellectually-rousing version of the above guide, write to:
Hollywood Press, Hollywood, California, 90210
P.S. After reading the above you feel confused, infuriated, pained from perceived sarcasm and queasy from having to read the word "Jew" too many times - congratulations! You're a true to form Jewish liberal. You've been triggered and your symptoms are perfectly normal. Nothing your 400 reform rabbi signatories against Trump can't fix.
September 3, 2019